Tuesday, July 31, 2007

"I hate double minded men, but I love your law." Psalm 119:113

Good morning, Lord. Thank you again for meeting with me here. It is a gorgeous day and I must say you've truly outdone yourself. My family is healthy and happy this morning. Alex is out pressure cleaning the back porch, the girls are watching VeggieTales, Edie is taking her morning nap and I am here with a nice cup of coffee and You. What could be better? The verse this morning has me thinking so much. So much my head hurts. It was only after becoming your child a few short years ago that my own deception was revealed to me. I always knew that lying was wrong, but never felt the need to be honest all the time. I found that my exaggerations and fibs were lies. That those little white lies are sins. I know that sin separates me from you and it makes me so sad to think all the time with you that my own lies have cost me. But I also know that confessed sin brings me back into communion with you and I am so very grateful to be sitting back in the lap of my father.

Unfortunately, because of my overwhelming desire to please everyone and to be of good opinion to everyone, to always be encouraging and supportive, I have been a liar. People come to me for encouragement, prayer, advice, support, and counsel. They always have. And in the past, before I knew You and your guidelines for my life, I would say whatever anyone wanted to hear. People like hearing that they are right, they are doing the right thing and making the right decision. They way to hear that what they feel is justified and appropriate. And i would always tell them they were...that they were justified in their anger or bitterness or appropriate in their feelings - regardless. But this is becoming more difficult for me, Lord. I am trying to know your laws, commands and heart better. I 'm seeking what you have been saying for six thousand years, unchanging, and I am seeing that most of the time your word and instruction and exhortation are in direct conflict with my human feelings and behavior and actions. So when someone asks me now "Do you think it's wrong to ....., " the comfortable response for me "Sure, do what you feel is right, " doesn't feel comfortable anymore. I know that you are changing my heart. I know that you are making me more like You, everyday, as long as I am trying. I know that your will for me is better than any that I could imagine for myself, but I also know that serving you and living for you and representing you has me in direct divergence from what is comfortable. This double minded thing is the toughest for me. I find myself lying all the time about stupid stuff that is so very unimportant, but has huge consequences for me in relation to you. I know that I have murdered myself in defending myself or actions, and being dishonest to others about how I truly feel. My husband doesn't understand this at all. He has never been afraid of telling the truth or confronting dishonesty (intentional or not). Explaining this struggle to him is funny. He often says , " Well, why don't you just TELL her that? and my response is normally, "I don't know." But I DO know. I have total and complete fear of being deserted.

So this is the conundrum. I would rather abandon your word. I'd rather discard your truth than risk abandonment by someone who could NEVER love me as you do. I throw out my eternal relationship with you for a temporary and disappointing relationship with someone here. Ugh. This hurts. I am seeing g now that my own double mindedness hurts everyone involved; the person I am trying to 'help', myself and You. Thank you for this revelation this morning.. I know that I must be truthful in all that I do here, regardless of the earthly consequences. Please remove from me the fear of abandonment and discard, and place in me the peace that only comes in being in unity with You. Please make me even more uncomfortable in m deception and dishonesty. Help me to see the security in your truth instead of the cheap escape in my lie. You HATE double minded men. Ouch. I know that you will never leave me or forsake me, but you also cannot bless me if I am walking outside of your will and protection. Thank you for this revelation. Help me to put it to good use today. Remove the fear of rejection.

I am so grateful to know and be known by you.

Your precious (as you have said) daughter,

1 comment:

Kate said...

Love it! This is soooo about me and how I think sometimes. Thanks for the friendly reminder!