So this week has been really tough. A dear friend of mine and sister in Christ had to bury her newborn girl, Miller Grace. Fresh from heaven, she lived five days.
This week has had me thinking quite a bit about sovereignty and grace and fear. It's taken me straight back to the days of waiting and wondering and hoping and fearing. What I cannot understand is why...and then I am reminded that God works in a dimension that I am incapable of operating in. I guess if I knew the answers to the tough questions, I wouldn't be learning anything. Sometimes I wonder if learning and growing are all that they are cracked up to be. Then I read Psalm 6 from The Message.
Goes something like this:
Please, God, no more yelling, no more trips to the woodshed. Treat me nice for a change; I'm so starved for affection.
Can't you see I'm black-and-blue, beat up badly in bones and soul? God, how long will it take for you to let up?
Break in, God, and break up this fight; if you love me at all, get me out of here. I'm no good to you dead, am I? I can't sing in your choir if I'm buried in some tomb!
I'm tired of all this—so tired. My bed has been floating forty days and nights On the flood of my tears. My mattress is soaked, soggy with tears. The sockets of my eyes are black holes; nearly blind, I squint and grope.
Yes, David. You know. You know that misery. How I have prayed that I would run out of tears...that I could finally sleep or rest....that I could somehow mend that gaping wound in my chest that just wouldn't heal. That wound that made my head pound and my eyes sore was unbearable.
and then this:
Get out of here, you Devil's crew:at last God has heard my sobs.
My requests have all been granted, my prayers are answered.
Cowards, my enemies disappear. Disgraced, they turn tail and run.
and maybe those answered prayers aren't the answers we'd hoped for.
And maybe one day we will see why.
But for now, there is just pain. Raw, mind shattering pain.
My prayer for Em is that the helmet of salvation would cover her. I cannot bear to imagine the pain that she is experiencing now. I can only hope that that perfect love that He always talked about will swallow her whole. I’m praying for her protection. Protection from people who are overly encouraging or sadly absent. Protection from insensitivity and oversensitivity. During this time the enemy of her soul will try to destroy her with her own mind. I am praying that God’s reality would penetrate the fog of deception and confusion. I'm praying the sweet sedation of Him would sweep over her and numb her. Just for now.
Thursday, July 05, 2007
One Breath at a Time
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1 comment:
Yes, God, in His infinate wisdom and soveriegnty, knows exactly what we need, and it isnt always what we think we need. It would be nice if we could all live in that happy place all the time but the truth is that Jesus suffered, and in dying to ourselves and taking up the cross of Christ there is suffering. The good news is that God's mercy is never ending and He is always perfecting our faith and strengthening our realtionship with Himself in those hard things that we go through. To be able to look at those tough things that we go through as good for us as Paul and Peter suggested is one of the hardest acts of faith to master and it took me about 10 years after my son died to be able to say that God really was in control and it really was the best thing that ever happened to me. God breaks our heart so we can be weaker, less independant from Him and so our hearts can hold more love. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18 Draw near to Him as He draws near to you. I am praying for her and for you!
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