Thursday, November 01, 2007

Did I Say That?

You know, if I would just sit down for two seconds and realize that you people (if there are more than one of you reading this) don’t care if this is good or not and perfection is really NOT attainable in this world, I think I would actually benefit from finally taking some of this obsessive thinking and putting it down on paper for my OWN good, not anyone else’s.

After reading a couple of old days out of my prayer journal this morning, I realize that my very best writing, writing that sounds so much unlike me that I look for quotation marks, is the writing I do to God. My conversations with Him are always so very sweet when they have aged a couple of weeks. It probably takes that long (at least) for me to start seeing that the pruning going on at the time is starting to yield some fruit.

This morning, I turned back to earlier this month when I was reading out of Samuel and got this verse:

“But if you do not obey the Lord, and if you rebel against His commands, His hand will be against you as it was against your fathers.”
-1 Samuel 12:15

And this was my note to Him that morning…

Dear Lord,
The very last thing I want is to be on your bad side. I know what it is like to feel disappointed and frustrated at my children and their rebellion – I can’t even imagine how you feel about mine.

Though it is painful and torturous, being separated from you because of my own sin only teaches me how much I miss you and how much I desire being with you.
And missing you isn’t like missing anyone here. Missing you is like tearing out a critical piece of me and setting it down on the nightstand. I walk by it and I feel a pang of grief for its loss, and I limp away knowing that walking is only possible after I’ve decided to show up for rehab with you.

I shudder to think of the days I have purposefully put you away, set you aside and said “I’ll get to you later.” I am so sad for that.

But when I sin against you, that pain is even more intense and the loss is even more disabling. Not only do I have to live with regret and remorse and natural consequences, I have to deal with the supernatural consequences to my selfish ways and rebellion.

The natural consequences and heartbreaking and usually affect the people I love dearly. The corners of my sin stretch far and wide and can visit me for days, weeks, months, years, decades later. I know you forget them, by the world and the enemy do not.

But my supernatural consequences are isolation and loneliness and separation from the one source of true happiness and fulfillment. The one place that can bless or curse me. The only one that can see my hurts, concerns, and fears and quell them with a breath . The only one who knows my passions, desires, who know what really floats my boat and delivers me from the perfect storm that is life.

So, in my sin, which happens daily (if not hourly), I am a sick, sad, afflicted one. But in You, in redemption and salvation, I am not only healed and happy, I am full.

Help me to remember that today when life here has chop blocked me and I have barked back, when regret and remorse visit my head in a bad memory, when shame and sorrow try to reside in my circle of thoughts, allow me to see your gentle hand lifting me out of the miry clay and placing me on the comfort of my new, true identity in You.

You are precious, my God. Thank you for being with me today and hearing my prayers.

I love you,

1 comment:

Emily said...

Your heart is beautiful. Thank you for sharing it with me.