Saturday, January 05, 2008

Boo Hooing.

I didn’t mean for tonight to end up here, but it is. After a couple hours of blog reading and RTS research, I’m finding myself in tears in the light of this computer monitor. My girls sleep peacefully in the next rooms. Quiet permeates this home, though a foreigner, and I am left to my own devices. Unfortunately, that leads me to some sad places of wondering and wandering.

Tonight I think of Sophie and what the future might hold for her. I know that I am not supposed to go there, and that tomorrow has enough worry of its own, but it is a road that I that I travel more often that I should, according to Him.

I have four babies. I have experienced pregnancy four times. I have peed on a stick (and my own hand) and have felt the surge of adrenaline and hormones more times than I care to admit. I have lost my appetite, lost my waistline and gained four times the birth weight of my biggest baby. I have watched my belly grow and stretch and felt my back buckle under the heaviness of saggy flesh and soft bones. I found comfort in a plastic bag and roll of paper towels in the front seat of my van, and in Listerine breath strips that I prayed would destroy the evidence. And I loved it. Not all of it, but most of it. I loved my bare belly and would flash it to the most unsuspecting guests in my home. That was fun. And I probably could have charged admission for the freak show that occurred every night once I finally got horizontal in my bed. I think you could hear the theme to Jaws as the shark fins circled on the surface of my belly. I was the host of a precious baby. This precious baby was destined for the Keefe name. This baby was a custom job, made especially for me; for my body and my heart. The thought alone leaves me breathless. Oh, to be the Mama.

And this is my sorrow. For my precious little Sophie. I am grieving tonight for her.

Have I told you that we are surrounded by boys? We have made amazing friends here in Sunny South Florida…and those friends have lots of beautiful boys. We have spoken of arranged marriages and joked about what beauty the Lord would create through the combining of the two families. They are all beautiful and being raised in a Godly home to respect and adore women as God intended. It’s an ongoing joke about where the wedding will take place.

But I have to tell you that my heart has broken for Sophie. I’m not sure if we haven’t talked about Sophie marrying one of those boys for any reason…I’m not sure if it’s simply an oversight or intentional: other people might see that she may not be ‘wife material’. I just don’t know. But it still hurts.

I do know that I pray for Sophie to be swept off her feet by a man that will adore her and love her and a companion that will mirror Christ in his affection and care of her. I want her to be betrothed forever to that knight in shining armor that is destined for her. And I want her to be a Mama one day. I want her to feel what I feel for her…I want her to experience the joy and the pain and the saga of parenthood (of which I know very little). But from what I have read, RTS girls rarely have babies. That makes me so very sad.

I have a brother that aches for independence, companionship, passion, partnership and affection. I don’t know how many times I have heard ‘Guess what, Jule…I might have a girlfriend.” And he beams and that grin spreads far and wide across his face like any thirteen year old trapped in a 34 year old’s body would. He is precious. And lonely. And no one can make that different for him. I know his little sister can’t. I can trim fingernails and toenails, and offer him a coke, but I cannot find a wife for him. And it’s just not fair. It’s not fair at all. And I cannot bear to think that my little girl may have the same future. I cannot bear to think that she may not have the amazing yet agonizing job of finding the perfect dress or be destined to walk down the aisle to the man that will leave his family and cleave to her, or feel the relief and terror of knowing that that baby is coming soon.

When we learned that Sophie was genetically different more than four years ago, Alex would say, just think, she could be with us forever…we may never have to say goodbye. And my opinion of him changed completely. Just two nights ago, Sophie asked her Daddy to marry her. I don’t know what precipitated the question, but it was precious and sweet and I wish I could have taped it to hear it again. When her Daddy told her that he would be with her for the rest of her life, but couldn’t marry her, I wanted to cry. He told her that he was married to Mommy. Oh the lump in my throat was the size of Montana. Then she turned to me and asked ME to marry her. I said yes….I will marry you, Soph. And I meant it.

So I am boo hooing tonight. But like I said before, God has not given me the grace for this. Yet. And I will be thanking God for His mercy, regardless of what He chooses for Soph. My prayer is that one day I will be dragged from bridal shop to bridal shop in search of that perfect dress, calling Daddy to adjust the wedding budget, and that one day (much later ;))I will hear the melody of a crying newborn in the arms of my sweet and precious baby girl. And I will think back to tonight and praise the God of my joy, my sadness, my heart, and my hope.

2 comments:

kate said...

This post made me cry, Jewel. You are an incredible writer and a precious mother with amazing thoughts. I am so very sorry for your worries. I know that you know everything is in the palm of God's hand and are trusting that with all your heart as you cry for your baby girl.

To lighten things up here...We could arrange a marriage between Jack and Sophie. Now THAT'S a crazy combination: Asperger Syndrome and RTS! Most couples yell at each other when they get angry--Jack and Sophie will just spin and rock, then kiss and make up. We'll do lunch and arrange this one day :)

I miss you so much and I love you!! Talk to you soon.

Anonymous said...

Midget:

Don't ever forget that the world needs and honors the Uncle Johnny's and the Richies of our world. But more importantly, the Ultimate Author of these biographies hasn't signed off on anything yet. Keep the faith, love my granddaughters as only you can love them and always "KEEP THE FAITH".

Dad