Monday, June 16, 2008

No Rest for the Unweary

So yesterday was a pretty revealing day for me. Church was awesome and there were many 'nuggets' that I took from the sermon that encouraged me to go home, sit down with my dusty bible (oh, how that grieves my heart) and seek out the truth, wisdom and encouragement that I so desperately long for but so stubbornly deny myself.

The bible says that everything in the dark will be brought into the light. I had a dark day yesterday. I've known for days that my fuse was getting shorter and my patience wearing thinner as the clock ticked past 2am for at least five consecutive nights. Getting ready for church with no sleep and trying to coordinate the exit of three clean and pressed girls and myself was my biggest challenge. Needless to say, it was not a quiet, peaceful Sunday morning. Edie's runny nose, Sophie breaking the jewelry I'd set out to wear, and Charley peeing all over my bedroom carpet (as a result of her own stubbornness) had me feeling like I was speed skating along the edge of the Grand Canyon. And I just kept asking myself why I hadn't gone to bed just a little earlier. Why didn't I do the mature thing and turn myself off at 10pm like all of my friends do and get in bed. Why couldn't I start my settle down at 9pm and work a bedtime routine that would have FlyLady in purple puddles.

But no, I'd watched the clock hit 1:59am again and finally drifted off to oblivion. At 6:59, Sophie drifted into my room and once again, the regret of not going to sleep earlier came crashing down like a dumptruck unloading cheap china. Not again, I thought. Another insomniac hangover and there's no turning back. I kept thinking "I've just gotta make it to naptime when I can finally catch up." Ug.

So yesterday morning meant tears, screaming, frustration, more tears, the look of fear and sadness in my kid's eyes and a headache that would take more than caffeine and ibuprofen to cure. My heart was broken before I even crawled out of bed and I was determined not to end up there again. The feeling was reminiscent of the endless promises this addict makes to herself not to let it happen again. Exhausted again. Ashamed again. And when the message yesterday was about freedom and not believing lies and finding truth in scripture, I was determined to do just that. Find sleep scripture that would remind me to get to bed, rest and be refreshed enough to be effective in this life of endless duty.

I googled "scripture about sleep" determined to find the answer to my problems and, of course, came across this blog. And I clicked a link that has me thinking. After years of being called a 'night owl', it seems there is a clinical description and a syndrome that may be the revelation I was looking for. Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome. There it was. Here I am. You see, I don't get tired until 2am. At 2am, my body says, "OK, it's time to get ready for bed." I don't feel that way until then. I remember Syd, my roommate in college getting ready for bed every night at 9 and was sleeping at 10. It was beautiful and fortunately, she'd make me go to bed, too. There has never been bedtime for me. It is awake time...then sleep time. That's it. I remember being in high school and wandering the house after 2am, after all my phone friends had gotten too tired to hang. I remember pulling effortless all-nighters in college, where most of my friends dreaded them. Long after college, I remember long nights when Alex was in the desert and I would be up decorating and doing projects well past 4am. But then I could sleep until noon or 1 and I was good. But not now. Now I have three toddlers that need oatmeal at seven. And a Momma that is capable of doing that. Doing that with a smile and a hug even.

Last night, I was in bed at 11. I feel asleep at around 12. I expected fully and totally to feel 100% different this morning. I expected the singing robin to come perch itself on my headboard and the squirrels to come clicking to the window to greet me with the morning in true Snow White fashion. I expected the sounds of the morning to sing a welcoming hymn to me as I woke refreshed, renewed and ready for the day. Um..not so much. I am still grumpy, short, and I just tied the laces on that pair of skates I talked about earlier. And I have no idea what to do about it. Buy a light? Talk to my doctor? Gobble some Ambien at 9? I have no idea.

I'll go and search my scripture, and post it all over my house. I'll set my alarm to go off at nine to be in bed by eleven. I'll read more about DSPS and I'll pray.

Wow. Pray. Now that's an idea. Here's to bedtime.

2 comments:

Kate said...

I'm right there with ya, girl!! Look at me...it's 11:23 pm here and I'm up reading your blog. Thanks sooooooo much for your honesty here because it encourages other "night owls" out there like me to turn off the computer and get some sleep. I'll pray for you...that Psalms 4:8 will be your mantra "I will lie down and sleep in peace. For you, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."

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