Tuesday, January 13, 2009

I cried in Target today.

Here we go again. Another late night, another tender heart from a day of tears. I'm not sure why I feel like this place is safe enough, but it is for now and I just have to trust that whoever is reading will know.

I cried in Target today.

Sophie needs shirts. My big five is finally getting too big for 4Ts. Before her little belly button sees sunlight as she hangs from her favorite playground toy (the zip line), I must get her some new t-shirts. On my mega two week shopping trip today, I was at Target and thought I'd check out the little girls' section to see if there was anything for Soph. The first gut-check came when I had to move from the toddler section to the girls section. Not because the shirts are at LEAST a DOLLAR more, but because my little girl was moving SECTIONS. That's crazy. I've never had a baby move SECTIONS before. So I was okay until I passed through the little door from toddlers to girls.

And a memory hit me. Like someone had come from around the corner and laid me out flat with a big, red, five hundred pound shopping cart, I was breathless. I'm not even sure what the emotion could be called at that moment...it was like suffocating gratitude.

Shopping used to terrify me. Before Soph turned one, I had no idea what the future would hold for her. I didn't know how many days had been ordained for her. I didn't know if I bought Sophie that sweet twelve month outfit if she would ever wear it. I didn't want to go through a closet one day to find that outfit and grieve the little girl that I loved so deeply that it choked me. So I didn't buy ahead. I know that was fearful and faithless, but I just couldn't.

When Soph was little...really little...I remember praying that she would have a first birthday. It was a daily prayer for me...that I would be able to blow up a hundred helium balloons, make the invitations, pick out her special outfit, send Daddy on wild goose chases for very specific items, create games and decorations and all that insane stuff that I really don't even understand now, but still love. I prayed every single night that Jesus would just grant me one more day with her and I prayed every day that Jesus would grant me the privilege of that celebration. And He did. And I'm sure people were wondering why I spent so much time behind the tripod wiping tears away at my little one's first birthday party, but it was precious. Just precious to me.

So I cried in Target today. Out of gratitude for the 5Ts that I was searching for...for the little arms and hands that will reach through those sleeves with sheer determination...for the little head that slips so easily through the neck hole, for the chest that holds a heart that still continues to beat pure love...and for the smile that continues to melt me in places I didn't know even existed.

Oh, I can scarcely take it in. Thank you, Jesus...for your provision, for your plan, for the precious privilege of paying one more dollar for a t-shirt. I love you.


Jessica mommy to Alex/ RTS said...

Yay! Tears of joy!

Myssie said...

Beautiful post! It must be something about Target, our kids and milestones. I cried in Target once too. Will waved bye-bye to the cashier for the very first time. Stood there and cried like a baby (the cashier thought I was nuts!!). I am so happy to hear that Sophie is doing well...and growing!! :-)

sweet tea in a pink glass said...

I love your posts! Oh the things I have to look forward to. Jeff died a few months ago, after the show was finished airing, Ryan id Tamera's son..shady!

Michelle Fry said...

Thank you for the reminder that it is a priviledge to see our children grow up. Toby is getting to be such a big boy, and I know he is supposed to, but it's hard sometimes. Thanks for sharing about Sophie--I knew you had very real concerns back then, but had no idea you were afraid she would even live. What a miracle she is!

Katy said...

You sound like my mama. I'm 22 and she still talks about all those little clothes and makes me sit on her lap for 5 minutes when I go home.

I can't even imagine what she's going to be like on our wedding day.

Hannah Beth said...

Wow! Talk about tearing up after a blog! Glad I could experience that beautiful ball of energy as she progresses towards 5Ts! - Hannah Beth

Liz said...

I love reading your blog Julie...you have such a gift of expressing your feelings in such a way that I feel like I am there experiencing it all right next to you. I am happy for your awareness of the things all around you and your ability to appreciate big and small wonders alike!

Chris and Emily said...

Tears poured from my eyes as I read this post today. I am 4 days away from celebrating our little miracle man's 1st birthday. Given a fatal diagnosis at his 20 week ultrasound, living through the miracle of his birth, and then receiving his diagnosis of an extremely rare disorder(13 known cases), I stand in awe of our God that I have sent the invitations, bought the special outfit, ordered the balloons, and they are all sitting in my closet waiting for a day we thought would never come. What a privalege it was to search high and low for a birthday outfit in a 0-3 months size!!! We don't know what days are ahead but we sure are grateful for today!!
Thanks for sharing your heart and experience. Happy 5T wearing to Sophie!!!