I cried in Target today.

Here we go again. Another late night, another tender heart from a day of tears. I'm not sure why I feel like this place is safe enough, but it is for now and I just have to trust that whoever is reading will know.

I cried in Target today.

Sophie needs shirts. My big five is finally getting too big for 4Ts. Before her little belly button sees sunlight as she hangs from her favorite playground toy (the zip line), I must get her some new t-shirts. On my mega two week shopping trip today, I was at Target and thought I'd check out the little girls' section to see if there was anything for Soph. The first gut-check came when I had to move from the toddler section to the girls section. Not because the shirts are at LEAST a DOLLAR more, but because my little girl was moving SECTIONS. That's crazy. I've never had a baby move SECTIONS before. So I was okay until I passed through the little door from toddlers to girls.

And a memory hit me. Like someone had come from around the corner and laid me out flat with a big, red, five hundred pound shopping cart, I was breathless. I'm not even sure what the emotion could be called at that moment...it was like suffocating gratitude.

Shopping used to terrify me. Before Soph turned one, I had no idea what the future would hold for her. I didn't know how many days had been ordained for her. I didn't know if I bought Sophie that sweet twelve month outfit if she would ever wear it. I didn't want to go through a closet one day to find that outfit and grieve the little girl that I loved so deeply that it choked me. So I didn't buy ahead. I know that was fearful and faithless, but I just couldn't.

When Soph was little...really little...I remember praying that she would have a first birthday. It was a daily prayer for me...that I would be able to blow up a hundred helium balloons, make the invitations, pick out her special outfit, send Daddy on wild goose chases for very specific items, create games and decorations and all that insane stuff that I really don't even understand now, but still love. I prayed every single night that Jesus would just grant me one more day with her and I prayed every day that Jesus would grant me the privilege of that celebration. And He did. And I'm sure people were wondering why I spent so much time behind the tripod wiping tears away at my little one's first birthday party, but it was precious. Just precious to me.

So I cried in Target today. Out of gratitude for the 5Ts that I was searching for...for the little arms and hands that will reach through those sleeves with sheer determination...for the little head that slips so easily through the neck hole, for the chest that holds a heart that still continues to beat pure love...and for the smile that continues to melt me in places I didn't know even existed.

Oh, I can scarcely take it in. Thank you, Jesus...for your provision, for your plan, for the precious privilege of paying one more dollar for a t-shirt. I love you.